The Pandemic Tourism Guide - A satirical Comment*

Well as we rub at the thin veneer of civilisation so that the surface of our community, our closeness, our society is starting to look like grandma’s forty-year-old breadboard, it would seem that Aussies are the Italians of the South. Fuck staying at home and keeping your distance. We might not meet and greet with air kisses on both cheeks and boisterous hugs but we sure do like to congregate and talk, drink coffee and alcohol. Perhaps a bit too much she’ll be right mate.

But now that SCOMO has grounded us all after some of us were caught with that wild crowd that hang down the beach, it got me thinking if not here, then where? Where would be a better place to put up with the upcoming months of WTF weirdness and likely physical, mental and financial hardship?

First of all we need to look at just how well set up our possible alternatives are to manage the immediate health and financial difficulties. Secondly how different country’s personalities and culture are suited to survive the shit to come. There is nothing like a pandemic, a worldwide crisis to really expose the truths and myths around a country’s character.

Look at the USA still talking the talk but not quite as good as they used to be with the walk.  It’s not that they can’t do it. But either they just believe their own publicity a little too much and have gotten complacent or more likely, there is denial that everything in the USA just isn’t quite as exceptional as it used to be.

Combine the lack of unity and vision, selfishness, the inner rot of cities, all of which are the logical end game of unfettered capitalism and the neo liberalism ideal of treating society as the market and the glue that holds the American dream is old and brittle. Trump is not the problem. He is the logical outcome. If it really goes bad and with all those guns we will really see the USA’s dark side. Could get messy and I’m not rich so rating is C

Meanwhile there is nothing like a good totalitarian government for keeping the trains running on time, silencing any dissidents and of course enforcing quarantines. I’m talking you China, Russia, North Korea, etc. It would seem that some forms of government might be better than others when the poo hits the air circulating device and you need to stop the spread of a virus in its tracks. And of course the economy is rigidly controlled so all good there as well. Of course these countries aren’t big on free and open journalism so you do have to take any official reports with a large amount of scepticism. In other words in North Korea they could be dying in the thousands or they may actually have a single case. We just can’t be sure. Either way given the disappearances, the incredibly boring military parades, bad TV and purges of even the best connected these places are a little too stressful. The fantastic cuisines just don’t make up for it. Rating is D.

The rest of Asia, the ones who are clever and conscientious, democratic in government if not completely modern in societal structure, places like Taiwan, Singapore etc. is going great.

And why not?

When the government, democratically elected[well close enough]  asks the old “ not what your country can do for you but what you can do for your country” question and they almost to a person  meekly fall in line and do more than survive but continue to function and prosper. There is generally lots of wealth, great internet and depending where you end up some very nice landscapes to isolate in. Keep your head down and it’s a solid B+

Europe just let the party go a bit too long and by the times the cops came to shut it down things had already gotten way out of hand with the viral equivalents of room trashing and broken glass in the swimming pool already well under way.

Crazy, social democrats.

I should stress like any street there is the party house and the quiet abode. So in some parts like Germany the country’s inherent personality of conservatism and caution meant that people did get home before midnight and the unknown pills were declined. All in all you get looked after and if you can balance the lifestyle pleasures with the varied economies it would be alright. For me rating of B

Central America and South America are places not usually high on Australia’s radar. After all, from an Australian point of view you need to get your travel done in Asia, then Europe and then the USA and its usually by then you are settling down and making babies and money so most of us never get around to visiting. Hell I don’t even know what’s happening there, but lets presume a sort of European muddled response with some rules they are obeying as long as a machine gun is present. Still good food, vistas and a wide variety of life style choices but I would definitely be leaving Brazil to the Brazilians. A wildcard for the left of field thinkers so a rating of C-.

Africa, vast, varied and barely known, teeming with people in some parts and fuck all in others is still a work in progress. Considering that most African countries have bugger all administrative ability, not much money and are not in peak democratic condition it’s safe to say a disaster of epic proportion is in order. Not to worry, like any other misfortune that has hit Africa we westerners will be slow to care, slow to react and then too late, we will come in apparently to help but with our profit antennae waving. Look out for China to do the helpful neighbour routine here as well. They will want to lease some vital infrastructure for 99 years in return though. Everyone knows there is never something for nothing and who would fall for that oldie anyway. Oops oh yeah that was us.

Definitely for the crazy, saintlike or truly adventurous only. Rating is E

Before I talk about us I know there are lots of little places here and there that I have not mentioned that are filled with their own national character, possibly wealthy and usually somewhat isolated. I am talking about you Iceland, Samoa, Israel, Jamaica, New Zealand etc.

There are many options and variables here in landscapes, necessities, government and wealth so you would like to pick carefully. There would be worst places to ride things out than say the Kingdom of Tonga’s tropical paradise or the other worldliness of Iceland in summer. If you are already in one of these places then you probably meant to stay awhile anyway so live it up.

Here in the land of Oz we are staying in our houses, burning up bandwidth and for me personally, wishing I had a house that was a very short walk through some dunes to get to the beach.  No sport, no libraries, no fine dining, no galleries, no tattoo parlours. No matter what turns you on outside the house you won’t be getting much of it for a while. So are we in the best spot on the planet to ride out this Dettol ad gone real and large?

You would have to say yes; despite daggy Dad losing his shit and wielding the big stick. Internet is ok, government is strong, health system is pretty good, the government looks like its doing its best to help us all who have had our lives and livelihood turned upside down plus the bottle shops and cafes are open for takeaways. Some of us are no doubt looking at some waves, some of us are looking at empty streets or the backyard and some of us are looking at a back paddock that finally has some grass on it. Doesn’t matter where you are, it is hard to imagine a better place that Australia to wait out a pandemic. Rating is A-

The one bad thing though is the crap that we often feed ourselves about our Aussie qualities of mateship, openness and our all around good guy style. The supermarket toilet paper episodes have highlighted that we aren’t quite as matey as we like to think. Notice that initially the behaviour was criticised as being unaustralian but that was quickly dropped when it became apparent that maybe this selfish behaviour is now days very Australian.

So spare a thought for those in refugee camps around the world and living rough on the streets and keep that thought in your mind for when things finally get better, because then would be a good time to put in place a better, more compassionate, more self-aware Australia.

• Guys I am only taking the piss, so please don’t come after me if I have perpetrated stereotypes or have not given your continent or country the rating you think it deserves. My blog - my thoughtlessly aired opinions.