The Spies Who Are Not Very Good At It
Espionage, the word sounds far more fancy than “spying,” has existed for centuries. For us Aussies it only really came to us after the end of WW2 when suddenly we had a cold war between Russia, China and all us good guys. Now leaving aside argument about who is a good guy and who isn’t, I think it is safe to say that totalitarian regimes like those mentioned above can safely be said to be no fun.
Therefore spying became all the rage. Now you don’t have to watch thousands of movies, read countless spy books etc. to know that spying is a hazardous occupation. Unlike say selling jeans at a Westfield spying can get you killed.
Often killed in strange ways too. This is because unlike other organisations who do a spot of illegal killing like say the Mafia or Mexican drug cartels, spy agencies like to keep things quiet. It’s all right for organised crime to be butchering competitors in executions, street battles or generally just being evil psychos but not for our practitioners of espionage. They value subtlety and secrecy. They do not want to broadcast their presence or their power. At the most their murders are subtle messages designed to speak to the few and particular. Most times their aim is to sow fear and doubt. Arguably for spy agencies a disappearance of a rival, never to be seen again is better than a sloppy killing. These are the agreed upon rules of the game such it has been for the seventy years or so.
But some things have changed and it is interesting to speculate why. Why is this speculation interesting? Well all speculation is interesting, that is why we humans love it. Lets face it speculation has many faces depending on circumstances and who is involved. Neighbourhood gossip is a form of speculation. Isn’t the genre of science fiction basically speculation?
Anyway the point is that there have been some interesting things happening in espionage. Now I think about it that is also a dumb thing to say because surely spying is going to be interesting all the time. Apparently not according to the experts but I think they are downplaying it.
On November 1 2006 a former Russian spy living in England was poisoned with radioactive Polonium – 210. He died 22 days later, the victim of the world’s first known assassination using a radioactive isotope.
Since then quite a few other people who have objected to Putin’s Russia have died mysterious deaths. There have sudden heart attacks, unfortunate car crashes, the old falling from a great height trick and unlikely suicides amongst them. Given Russia only pretends at best to be a democracy and is instead a kleptocracy, with Putin and his gang basically just there to take the wealth of the nation while doing a bit of good old fashion nationalistic drum beating, it is no surprise that critics, double agents and various citizens who have offended are never safe from his secret service. Particularly in danger are spies who have swapped sides or turned traitor to the motherland as Putin calls it. There are no real surprises here.
The interesting thing is in the increasing use of exotic poisons to wreak vengeance on the traitors. The old cyanide or arsenic does not cut the mustard with the Russians. They prefer radioactive particles or even better deadly manufactured nerve agents.
But even more of note is how often it doesn’t fucking work.
The poisoned survive. After long very public hospitalisation they recover. Is this startling incompetence? Is the Soviet secret service too clever for its own good? The Mafia keep it simple - two bullets in the head and the job is done.
I am reminded of the hilarious joke in the first Austin Powers film “International Man of Mystery ‘when Dr Evil will not despatch Austin Powers with the gun offered by Evil’s practical and frustrated son. Instead he insists on a convoluted death featuring fish with lasers on their head. Of course it fails.
It is hilarious because it is such a staple of James Bond films and countless others. Are the Russians fans of Mike Myers comedies? Do they not get that these films are pisstakes and this is not good assassination policy in real life?
I don’t know but the nerve agent Novichok, supposedly so dangerous that one gram will kill 5000 people has according to my research a current real life success rate of less than 50%. Unfortunately in the well-known attempt to kill Sergei Skripal, a Russian retired spy in Salisbury England in 2018 the assassins managed to kill one innocent woman whilst the intended victims survived. Luckily so did the other innocents who were contaminated by the sloppy Russian agents.
Is someone watering down the Novichok supply? Is the Russian spy university pumping out a bunch of incompetent halfwits? I imagine that Putin must be pulling his hair out. I thought that failed assassins must have been spending terrible lives in prison camps in arctic Siberia, if they are still alive at all.
It seems a lot of fuckups or does it?
I don’t know but I have an alternative theory.
Russia’s or really Putin’s plan is that the victim dying is not the point. If it happens, that is well and good but it is the act of poisoning that is the message not the actual outcome.
Why?
Well there are a few reasons.
Governments and armies often fight the battles of the past. The more Putin pushes Russia as the superpower which it really no longer is the more we react in an old school way. But he is fighting us in a new way and doing very well with the limited hand he has. Remember the Russian economy is now only the size of California’s, but through cyber warfare, fortunate borders and selected acts of espionage terror like Novichok poisoning he keeps us guessing. He keeps us treating him like a major power while he changes the game.
Another advantage of that is that he can portray strength to the Russian people. This plus a healthy diet of old school nationalism keeps the poor majority happy while a select few make fortunes.
No country likes traitors. Doesn’t matter if its China, North Korea or Russia, traitors to the homeland must die. These poisonings tell those who fit under the category of traitors to the Russian motherland that they will never be completely safe wherever they are.
They are showy. He wants people round the world talking about what has happened. This is a case where it does suit his style of diplomacy to behave like a Mexican drug lord. He wants to be seen, needs to be seen as a player on the world stage. Russian history and its self-esteem demand it.
It has a degree of technology and intellect to it even if the application of the poison is personal and hands on, even casual. Guns are so old fashioned.
Poison is personal. Doesn’t matter if you are offing an annoying spouse to collect insurance or executing traitors, poison says I am taking this personally and you are going to suffer.
Six Songs about Espionage.
Nobody Does It Better – Carly Simon
Somebody’s Watching Me- Rockwell
Spy In The House Of Love – Was (not Was)
Sabotage _ The Beastie Boys
Teenage FBI – Guided By Voices
Secret Agent Man – Johnny Rivers
